What to say when someone tells you

Being told about something terrible is its own kind of pressure. Most people reach for something comforting, and some of the most common phrases do harm.

Phrases worth retiring

• I know exactly how you feel. You do not, and saying so turns the conversation towards you.
• At least it was not worse. Comparison is not comfort.
• Everything happens for a reason. Not in the first hour, and possibly never.
• You need to forgive and move on. That is their decision and their timing, not yours.

What helps instead

Shorter sentences, and fewer of them. I believe you. I am glad you told me. I am here. Take your time.

Then stop talking. Silence feels uncomfortable to the listener far more than to the person speaking.

Never ask for details

Details serve the listener's curiosity, not the survivor's healing. If they want to tell you more, they will. Your task is safety, belief, and knowing where to point them for further help.

Know your limit

You are not their therapist, and trying to be one usually ends with you exhausted and them no better supported. Knowing precisely where your limit is, and referring at it, is a skill rather than a failure.